Monday, June 19, 2017

My heart does



I used to have blooming flower in my heart before
But they all gone now
I used to have colourful rainbow for whole my day before
But it's just raining now
I used to be on the spring season
But it just cold winter now

It's been 9 years already
Crushing on you
Love getting harder
Without i'm realizing and allowingl it
I'm not the one who chosing you
But
My heart does..

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

It's been already 9 years Mr.Red

Hey, it's me again
gonna telling you a story
that you never wanna to look at all
not even slightest.

There is a guy
that I have a crush with
9 years already
without I realize it
the time pass so fast

I still remember the first time I saw him. He was standing on the field wearing a red shirt waiting for his turn to do his training. That is the time where I start to have a crush on him.

Start with the MySpace, I stalked him, seem he doesn't have somebody special so said to myself don't give up. Every time saw him at school or walked crossing him, my heart race hardly.

There was a time that I heard a gossip of him with a friend of mine. They said you were closed to each other at that time and I also have seen you sat beside her on the field. It's normal right if athletes are popular at school. Think that I should give up at that time. Why you never saw me? I always stand in front of you, always keep looking at you. A girl who wanna call for your name wanna say hye to you wanna smile at you but you never know my existence.

A year later, there was a program for Arabic Language subject. A mentor-mentee program. I was a form 3 student and he was a form 4 student. The senior who join this program will be our mentor to guide us in Arab words memorization. Every morning routine, his friend and him will come to our class to check on us again and again. I really wish he was my mentor but he was not. Every day I will wait for you to come to my class. Just saw you face already made me happy at that time.

Then, when I was in form 4 and you were in form 5, I start created a Facebook account. You're the reason why I create it. I added all my classmates and your friends first before I added you to not look so visible actually. From there, I gathered my courage. I start to get acquainted with you. I remember that guy have asked me "do I like him?" then I replied " if yes why and if no why?. Then you said, don't like a guy like me because I'm not a good guy. I just replied "OKAY" but my heart said, " I don't care because I have fallen for you". We still keep contact each other after that time. 

Actually, I start to say hai to you on Facebook after you come back from Umrah. How I know? stalking him of course. After awhile, we became closer and he asked for my YM email to add me. Yeah, we love to chat on YM rather than on Facebook. More privacy I think. Then he asked for my phone number, we start to keep replying each other SMS. We've never talked to each other on the phone because I really can't speak with a guy on the phone. He has told me "Why we do not know each other earlier so I can buy something for you when I'm doing my Umrah because I have bought something for Nabila". I know you were closer with kak Nabila than me and I really get jealous of it but still, I just keep it for myself. 

After a while, You have like me too and you know what, I'm so happy at that time but we were not couple as my wish (I wish I could turn back time rewind if I could change all mistake before). That was one of my happy moment in my life. Crossing each other at school, but I run away from you because I'm too shy to look at you back. We were at opposite building and you saw me look at you and then you smile then I run away again. You keep calling me snobbish girl. Your friends too, keep calling me with that name also "Mudax skowl" name. I have never told him that I love to see his smile back then because it's so hard for me to see his smile before.

He has asked me why I like him. I said "I don't know, one day, I saw you standing in the field wearing red shirt waiting for your training turn. First time I saw you, I asked my friend who are that guy and what is his name? but she doesn't know who you are. So, I decided to call you Mr. RED."  You admit the guy that I crushing on have a very good looking face but that is not the reason why I like him. I really don't know why.

Then one day, he asked for my personal details. He said he want to keep it as memory because after this we maybe not seeing each other anymore. He will finish school soon after SPM. I have to write my personal details based on the question he gave me. He asked me to pass the personal details(biodata) to him personally which is FACE TO FACE!!!. oh my, that's was my first time see him, talking to him face to face. It was my first and last time. I wait for him inside the library the when he came I go outside with shaky and cold hands. How nervous am I at that time. It is the most memorable moment of us because I can hear his voice and see his smile clearly.

It's normal right if an athlete is popular and have many secret admire or visible admire. I have heard my junior talked about him said she like him, wants to couple with him, wants to make him as "Abang Angkat" euww. He knew I'm jealous so he always said that he doesn't know who that girl and doesn't want to know who she is. Of course I'm glad to hear that. It really comforts my feeling.

But something happened after that, something that made us become like a stranger. I'm still young and I'm still stupid and I'm still unmatured at that time. Can't think well and decide without giving any second thought. I regret so much after that. I asked him to leave me alone just because I got a threatening letter said I have to leave him alone if I don't want anything to happen to me. I don't know from who that letter came, but I totally scared and I totally stupid because didn't give any chance to asked him about this and asked for his explanation. I'm legitly stupid and legitly regret of everything that I have done. You know when first time someone did wrong was a mistake but when it happen twice, it's really stupid guys. Yeah, that's me a stupid person.

It's been 6 years after that regretful moment happen in my life and it's been already 9 years he being as my crush. Still like him like before even like him more now. I just can't stop myself, my heart and my brain from thinking of him.

I always find any topic to text with him but you know when someone heart already broken it will not be the same anymore. Yeah, the way he replied me not the same anymore. And he hardly starts the conversation first. It always me unashamed girl all the time. I don't know why I'm crying when I'm typing all these things. My heart hurt so much and I just feel sad without knowing the reason why.

But, I will never forget this date " 28 April 2017 ". The way you treat me that day really really really make me happy. The best moment for these past 6 years. Thank you because you gave me a chance to be happy even though I'm just the only one feel that way but it's okay, I don't mind. I really appreciated it. Really appreciated it so much. Your sentences "ke tunggu saya. Haha", "tengah tengok awak", "a'ah rindu" and your "haha, hihi, huhu" really made my day. I really want to reply that "saya sentiasa tunggu awak, dari dulu lagi", "kalau boleh saya nak tengok awak depan mata saya sekarang" and "saya lagi rindukan awak" but I just can't say it to him because he will ignore it. So, I choose to keep it by myself. I just want you to know that I really like you,... no... I think I really fallen in love with you without I'm noticing it.

It's been already 9 years since the first time I start to have a crush on you.. and now, the feeling still stays the same. I hope you read my blog and give me the answer. What your heart feel about me. I will wait.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Doa Untuk Kekasih


Dengan nama Allah,
Yang Maha Pengasih lagi Maha Penyayang.

Ya Allah
Seandainya telah Engkau catatkan,
Dia milikku tercipta buatku,
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku,
Titipkanlah kebahagiaan antara kami,
Agar kemesraan itu abadi.

Ya Allah,
Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengasihani,
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini,
Ke tepian yang sejahtera dan abadi,
Maka jodohkanlah kami.

Tetapi Ya Allah,
Seandainya telah Engkau takdirkan,
Dia bukan milikku,
Bawalah dia jauh dari pandanganku,
Luputkanlah dia dari ingatanku,
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan.

Ya Allah,
Ya Tuhanku Yang Maha Mengerti,
Berikanlah aku kekuatan,
Menolak bayangannya jauh ke dada langit,
Hilang bersama senja merah
Agarku sentiasa tenang,
Walaupun tetap bersama dengannya.

Ya Allah Yang Tercinta,
Pasrahkanlah aku dengan takdir-Mu,
Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Mengetahui,
Segala yang terbaik buat hambaMu ini,

Ya Allah,
Cukuplah Engkau sahaja yang menjadi pemeliharaku,
Di dunia dan di akhirat,
Dengarlah rintihan dari hambaMU yang daif ini,
Janganlah Engkau biarkan aku sendirian,
Di dunia ini mahupun di akhirat,
Mahupun menjuruskan aku ke arah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran.

Amin...